I’m reflecting on the series of homilies by Fr. Mike Schmitz called Blind Spots.
Blind spots are those invisible vices. The blind spots are those ‘acceptable sins’.
-Fr. Mike Schmitz
Have these words ever parted your lips when justifying your sins? (They sure have parted my lips before!)
“I’m not angry, I’m just passionate.”
“No, I’m not entitled, I just know what I deserve.”
“I’m not worried, I’m just responsible. It’s just that I care.”
“I’m not indifferent to God. I don’t ignore God. I’m just busy.”
“The sins we repent of are the ones we can see. But the dangerous ones are the sins that I’ve renamed. Those become our blind spots.” — Fr. Mike Schmitz
There are six things which the Lord hates, seven which are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and a man who sows discord among brothers.
-Proverbs 6:16–19
God hates gossip because it’s so deadly.
Why do we gossip?
There’s science behind it! Gossip can strengthen social bonds and reinforce shared values within a group. It makes sin feel like intimacy.
We gossip to feel included. The easiest way to create an “us” is to create a “them.”
Sometimes we want to share news about our lives, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. But before sharing something, ask yourself these three questions.
Three things to check when sharing news
1. Am I simply recruiting them to my team or getting them on my side?
E.g. “I’ve been unjustly hurt, and I want you to agree with me!”
2. Whatever I’m sharing, is it mine to share?
Whatever story I’m sharing, is it my story, or does it belong to someone else?
3. Is it relevant?
“Gossip is speaking of someone’s flaws with no intention of helping them at all.”
If I’m sharing something in order to help someone or myself, it could pass the test and not be considered gossip. Sometimes we genuinely need advice or help resolving a situation. The question is whether what we’re sharing is necessary and whether it can actually help.
Three characteristics we need to stop gossip
1. Conviction
We need to realize that gossip is deadly. We need to let go of our excuses and stop tolerating gossip in our lives.
2. Courage
Haven’t we all been in a situation where someone is gossiping, and we know what to do to put a stop to it, but we don’t have the courage to do it?
Being a listener to someone gossiping can also mean participating in and encouraging the conversation. We need the courage to speak up, redirect the conversation, or simply disengage.
3. Love
Sometimes I have to shut up or say the hard thing to the person in front of me to love them.
Sometimes I have to have enough love for the person who isn’t in the room right now to shut this gossip session down.
Three things to say when someone’s gossiping
Here are three things shared by Jefferson Fisher that we can say when someone is gossiping.
1. “I don’t have an opinion on that, [name].”
To disengage and not participate, even as a listener.
2. “Do you want to talk to them about it? Should we call them about it?”
To figure out, or help the speaker figure out, whether they actually want to solve the issue or just spread the rumour.
3. “Huh, that doesn’t sound right.”
When someone’s talking about a person we know personally, and what they’re saying doesn’t seem consistent with the person we know.
This line can help us politely and courageously disengage from the conversation without being unnecessarily confrontational.
What is not considered gossip?
“Only say the things that people need to hear. Things that will really actually help them.”
One definition of gossip Fr. Mike shared is, “When a negative is discussed with anyone who can’t solve the problem.” Notice that he didn’t even say that the negative has to be about a person. It could simply be something negative about a company, a policy, or anything else.
This doesn’t mean that we can never talk about anything negative again or brainstorm solutions with others. Sometimes we genuinely need advice or help, and sometimes speaking up is necessary to protect someone from harm.
But how do we address a problem without falling into gossip?
Matthew 18:15–20 might be the answer! Jesus teaches us how to resolve issues arising in our lives.
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.
But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses.
If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the Church; and if he refuses to listen even to the Church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.
Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.
For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I in the midst of them.”
-Matthew 18:15–20
How this passage calls me to resolve issues
Step 1: Approach the person / situation directly in private
Pray for the Lord to really help me hear Him. What would help this person turn away from sin? How can we protect those who are being harmed? What response would be faithful to the Lord? Then approach the person / situation directly in private, only if it’s safe and I’m comfortable doing this.
The goal isn’t to win the argument or have the situation proceed the way I want it to, but to help that person or better the situation.
Step 2: Seek additional help
If the issue isn’t resolved after Step 1, or if it’s not safe to start at Step 1, bring one or two more people in to help address the situation. This would help establish the truth. I need to keep in mind that it’s not about me being right. We’re trying to figure out the truth and do the right thing together.
I have to pray to the Lord for the humility and clarity to hear and accept the truth, even if it looks different from what I believe it to be.
Step 3: Involve the Church / appropriate authority
If the matter remains unresolved after Step 2, bring it to the Church or the appropriate authority. Depending on the person / situation, this could be a superior at work if it’s a work situation, a parent or teacher if it’s a situation with a young person, or the appropriate Church authority if the situation involves someone related to the Church.
Keep praying for an open heart to accept the truth and to love no matter what.
Step 4: Establish boundaries
If the issue with the person / situation isn’t resolved after Step 3, the relationship or situation may need to change. I can’t force anyone else to change, even if it’s for their own betterment. I may need to establish new boundaries and guard my heart and / or personal space.
I can love someone from afar and not pretend that everything is fine.
Step 5: Reflect and pray
Seek the Lord’s help to change this person’s heart or to change the situation. Reflect on whether there’s anything I need to change in myself, too.
Then leave it up to Him and trust in Him.
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The goal is never to humiliate someone or prove ourselves right.
We can ask Jesus to guide us, give us courage, and help us love both the person who has caused harm and the person who has been harmed. This also applies when we’re the ones who have been hurt.
Sometimes love means having a difficult conversation. Sometimes it means asking for help. And sometimes it means accepting that we cannot force another person to change, and we can only pray for them and trust in the Lord.
Be bold, my brothers and sisters!
Act with both truth and love. Remember that the person who has sinned is still someone whom God loves.
Even when YOU are the sinner.
Thanks for being here. God bless you!
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Watch the original homily, Blind Spots: Gossip, by Fr. Mike Schmitz that sparked this reflection:
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