Dear Jesus,
I know You’re here with me. Oh, just sit here with me for a while as my heart navigates this journey of discernment.
You’ve given me so much clarity over the past few months already. I’ve received Your instructions loud and clear. I’ve ruled out the possibility of being a numerary of Opus Dei, and I’ve ruled out the possibility of becoming a religious sister with the Salesian order.
And now I hear You loud and clear that I’m called to motherhood. In what form, I don’t know.
Of course, it would be nice to have my biological children with the father of my children. But the call to motherhood is also what initially drove me to discern religious sisterhood. So many priests I know thought they were called to fatherhood, and then You surprised them. They became our spiritual fathers instead.
So I’m learning that being called to motherhood isn’t necessarily the same thing as being called to marriage.
And that’s something I’m still discerning.
Lord, show me Your will. Loud and clear, please. I’m not the brightest and I can’t read between the lines. Please show me clearly.
And now, thank You for a brief but beautiful friendship that has brought me closer to You.
Through this friendship, I’ve been reminded that my relationship with You comes above everything else, even my call to evangelization. I’ve learned more about myself, about my own insecurities, and about some of the confusion I carry around marriage.
I’m grateful that You gave me the strength and clarity to voice these things honestly. Cheers, St. Lucy, for interceding. 😉
Being vulnerable is really uncomfortable, especially for someone like me who likes to be in control. When things take an unexpected turn, I get so uneasy. I want to understand what’s happening. I want to know where things are going. I want to have a plan.
But perhaps that’s exactly what You’re inviting me to let go of.
I’m grateful that You’ve brought me a friend who is gracious enough to give me room to breathe, room to discern Your will, and room to simply be honest about where I am.
And at the same time, I hear You loud and clear that I should spend more time with my family and take a step back from dating events for now.
It wouldn’t be fair to anyone else at these events if I’m not actually ready to actively seek a life partner. And perhaps stepping back isn’t me giving up on marriage. Perhaps it’s me giving You more room to show me what You’re asking of me.
I’m slowly learning that I don’t need to force an answer just because I want one.
You made me who I am. You know the desires You’ve placed in my heart. You know what I’m afraid of, what I long for, what I don’t understand, and what I’m not yet ready to surrender.
So for now, I’m going to try to trust You.
Even when I don’t know what comes next.
Even when I can’t read between the lines.
Even when I really, really want a five-hundred-step plan.
Lord, You’ve brought me this far. I trust that You’ll lead me the rest of the way.
Thanks for being here. God bless!
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